Fighting Facebook Trolls

If you want to believe the best about humanity, stay off of Facebook.

The trolls live there.

I'm actually not talking about the brightly colored 90's toy. Not even the grumpy old thing that lives under a bridge on Dora. This troll is much more insidious.




The Internet troll.

In Internet slang, a troll is someone who posts inflammatory comments in an online community with the intent of provoking an emotional response. It comes from the word "trolling" which is the act of dragging something along and hoping to snag something. That's what an internet troll does. They snag people with the various rude, offensive, or oppositional remarks. In other words, they're jerks.

But Facebook, as especially seen during the election, has given way to a new sub-species of the Internet troll. They are no longer anonymous. In fact, you probably know them well. Maybe it's your second cousin. Maybe its a former classmate or coworker. Maybe you share a pew with the at church. Maybe you even like them in real life. It's so hard to tell who is a Facebook troll in real life.

But on Facebook, they totally change. They're like a were-troll. They turn into this whole other creature, capable only of infuriating you and making comments that cause you to question whether or not you want to keep living on this planet.




Generally, their harsh, crazy, mean, inflammatory comments are distributed without regard to the actual topic of conversation. Reason and logic have no roll in what they post. And while they post with varying frequencies, it always seems like their posts are the only ones you see. And while the classic Internet troll is fully random and non-discriminate in who they troll upon, Facebook trolls are more pointed and focused.

Let me introduce you to the sub-species of the Facebook troll.

1) The Political Troll




I mention this troll first because it has been the most recently common, though since the election has ended, it has been receding into the black abyss it came from.

These trolls can support any political party, including third party, or even anti-political forms, though this may be another sub-species (see below).

These trolls are known to inject political comments into everyday, plain conversation, thus derailing normal human interaction. Example:

Me: I like peanut butter.
Troll: Jimmy Carter invented peanut butter because he's a democrat and he's awesome.
Other troll: Republicans invented jelly. You'd be nothing without us.
Me:

2) The "I hate what everyone is talking about" troll

These may be related to the anti political troll mentioned above. When a topic comes to the forefront of the American conscious, this troll is quick to be sick of it, attempting to destroy any conversation about it and return society to the things they want to talk about. Example:

Me: Excited to watch the Super Bowl!
Troll: OMG! I'm so sick of people talking about football! It's not even important. There are kids dying in Borneo.
Me:

3) The "you didn't ask for my opinion but I'm giving it" troll

One of the more common trolls, they feel the need to interject their wisdom in every single subject, whether they know what they are talking about or not. Example:

Me: I saw a deer on the way to work. It was pretty.
Troll: Deer are so overpopulated that their very breath is causing CO2 emissions to rise. You should have hit it with your car.
Me: I just said the deer was pretty.
Troll: Why do you hate our planet? I thought you were a Christian.
Me:

4) The "it's all about me" troll.

This troll posts in two different ways. Sometimes they comment on your status, turning the conversation's focus to their own life. But usually, they don't have the time to mention other people's statuses, because their own life is way too important. Very rarely are these posts positive in nature. Example:

Troll: At Starbucks. Had to park next door because the lot was full. My life is terrible.
(5 min later) Troll: UGH. Line is taking forever!
(5 min later) Troll: Of course they made my drink wrong. HOW HARD is it to tell the difference between a venti soy latte and a venti soy cappuccino?
(5 min later) Troll: I have a headache.
Me:

Once you identify a troll, there are several steps you an take.

1) Ignore them. Just keep scrolling. This is generally the best method as confronting them usually only provokes them.

2) You can try to confront them. You will lose. They are like the zombie apocalypse. You can maybe destroy one, but there will be five more where that came from.

3) Stay off Facebook. But don't do that. There are still good people on there. We can't let the trolls win and have them overrun the interwebs!

4) Remember who they are in real life. These are good people with good hearts who in the light of the midday sun don't suck the life out of everyone they meet like they do online. It's just when there is an open web browser in front of them that the darkest part of their soul flies out through the keypad.

5) Check yourself regularly to make sure you haven't caught the virus that is obviously spreading through the population. Are you showing signs and symptoms of Facebook trolling? If so, shut off your computer, and seek immediate help. The best therapy is to find reality and get a grip on it. And if someone you love has become a Facebook troll, remember who they are away from their computer, and that Jesus died for the trolls, too.